Me: Hey, do you want to see Black Swan when it comes out?

My Younger Brother: Ummm... what's it about?

Me: Well, it stars Natalie Portman, and I think there's a scene where she makes out with Mila Kunis, and—

Bro: [looks up from laptop; raises eyebrows] Mila Kunis? Who's that?

Me: Yeah, I think she played Jackie on That 70's Sho—

Bro: I'm in.

Me: You're... don't you even want to know what the plot is?

Bro: Nope. Sold.

I predict that decades from now there will be a holy war; one so brutal and violent that people will look back and laugh bitterly at the quaint staidness of the Crusades, the Israeli-Palistinian conflict and that time in 2022 when Mac users declared a bloody pogrom against, well, everybody else.

On one side, there will be a religion that believes humankind is protected by a caliphate of prophets who keep vigilance over a giant stoney cork buried under an island that prevents a smokey demon from unleashing havoc on the world.

These people will be prone to suicidal jihads, believing their ultimate reward will be a semi-purgatory where they sort of hang out in a version of LA where time is relative until they've passed a test which will grant them passage to heaven. According to their gospel, the vast majority of these tests will be passed by finding somebody you've fucked or at least fantasized about fucking and achieving some sort physical contact.

On the other side, there will be a monotheistic religion where god executes his will through a backstabbing British ponce and a robot who looks like a lingerie model. Their canon will assert that humans came to Earth on spaceships to escape the pursuits of an army of robots with a proclivity for practicing naked tai-chi inside a giant metal star.

The odd thing is that these two religions won't be in conflict because they think they're respective explanations should be considered gospel. No, they're holy war will be over which explanation should be considered marginally LESS awful.

These two sides will always be at odds until some neutral observer meekly argues that both stories, while flawed, can both be considered enjoyable and even philosophically interesting, as long as you don't put way, way too much stock in mythology. In these cases, both sides will unite to declare a merciless fatwa on the third party.

...they get YouTubed

So excited. I do hope the show doesn't keep getting renewed though. It needs to have an ending before things start to get stale.

"Specific outlining of your major character flaws!"
"OVERREACTION!"

I'm not on twitter, but sometimes I like to fuck around with its search engine. For instance, if I'm feeling like I have too much faith in humanity, I just do a search for "muslim+#tcot" and take in the scary tea party crap that spews forth. Funny thing, for some of the tweets, if you replace mentions of the word "muslim" with "Jew" or "Jewish", they start to resemble something very... familiar.

Aw shit, would you look at this, honey? A bunch of thugs are blocking the road! I'll bet they want my sweet-ass Bridgestone tires. Wait a second... 'Your tires or your wife'? Did he really say that? Hot damn, what a relief. Here, I'll just help you out the door—

Hey! Jesus would you stop struggling, it won't be that ba— OW! Goddamnit, what are you kicking me for? 'Why not'? Because you're wearing stilettos and those hurt like fuck, that's why not!

Look, babe, if it were any other circumstances, I'd agree with you. But these are snow tires we're talking about. If I give them up to these thugs, how am I supposed to shred the slopes with Trent and the rest of my bros on Saturday? Or maybe you'd rather I risked my life going up an icy road without these awesome studded Bridgestones? Yeah, that'd be just like you, you selfish bitch.

I know, I know sleazy barbarians probably wanna violate you over and over once. Hey, here's an idea, maybe I could haggle and make sure it's just that four-eyed midget who lays claim to you. C'mon, he looks like the gentle type. Plus, since he's, like, all half-sized and shit, you could just close your eyes and hardly even notice he's in you.

Bridgestone: our tires are so awesome, they're totally worth making yourself an accomplice to sex slavery.

Nice to know that the news media is as banal and irrelevant in other countries as it is here.

There's nothing more annoying than a friend who doesn't know his own strength. Seriously.

First Mad Men, then Breaking Bad, and now they're adapting Walking Dead into a TV show. I'd prefer Zombieland: The Series, but beggars can't be choosers, eh?

I wonder why nobody's ever tried to make a zombie show; it seems like they'd be pretty cheap. Just find a Vancouver suburb to double as Anytown, USA, strew some random litter up and down the streets and paste some moldy-looking makeup on a bunch of extras. Boom, instant zombie apocalypse.